I always think I know what I'm doing.
And then I figure out that I don't.
I'm the kind of person, like many people I assume, who has to fall flat on her face to learn things. Sometimes I have to fall repeatedly, injuring myself emotionally and other ways multiple times. I've never particularly liked it about myself, but stubbornness, like many things, is a double-edged sword.
Recently, I've been going through something that I never thought I would. Something I had actually vowed to myself would never happen. It's the most painful thing I've gone through in a very long time.
It's a broken heart. And it blows.
Tonight, I snuck white chocolate chips from the pantry and ate some of them. Not the entire bag like I would've done in the past, but a sizable portion. I feel guilty, but I think I'm going to take it as a learning experience and not dwell on it.
Because the chocolate hasn't made anything better.
Sure, it tasted good. It kinda got old after the first two handfuls of chips. But my heart is still broken and I still have to work through all of these emotions... chocolate or not.
So I press onward. Because I'm still in this. Life is still changing for the better. And one stumble will not cost me this race.
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Hi Ashlee...
ReplyDeletehey, I just read some really good stuff...kinda wanted to share it with someone..wasn't sure who...but YOU seem like a great choice. :) I like this a lot--it is from Sarcastic Lutheran, a blog by a pastor chick in Colorado--she starts out quoting I Cor. 13..and goes on to say:
This week my friend Sara reminded me that the really amazing thing about 1st Corinthians 13 is that even 100s of thousands of schlocky wedding and inspirational posters and bad Christian coffee mugs can’t kill it. Paul’s hymn to Love is perhaps one of the most recognizable texts in the New Testament. And it is really beautiful… but it has just about nothing to do with romance.
To be sure, the subject of love is a tricky one. I think because we so often are loved poorly, loved incompletely, loved conditionally. The subject of love is a tricky one because we so often love poorly, incompletely and conditionally. And, forgive the pop psychology, but my theory is that when we are loved so poorly we begin to, on some level, assume that we are maybe undeserving of being loved well. And from this state of being loved poorly, feeling undeserving and then loving poorly in return, which let’s face it, is the foundation of Oprah and Dr Phil’s entire empire….but from this state we do some stuff that’s…unhelpful.
I’ve been thinking about the things I’ve done in my life to try and make myself more lovable. I lost weight, I tried to not use big words, I tried laughing even when a joke wasn’t funny. And when I was dating Matthew…and those of you who know me will get this, I went camping. I tried showing the other person only the parts of myself which I thought were lovable and if there weren’t enough of those parts then I just manufactured some. Because I was sure that to know me… is actually not to Love me.
We come by this naturally…given messages as we are about what is ok and what is not. Strong smart girls learn to act ditzy and helpless…tender hearted boys learn to toughen up......(continued at http://sarcasticlutheran.typepad.com/sarcastic_lutheran/)
O.k.---love ya!! (for real)
Joyce