True Freedom.

Obsessions comes in multiple forms

The person who won't let themselves get above X calories a day.

The person who has to get rid of food immediately after they eat it.

The person who needs food to feel satisified.

I've been all of these girls. I've "needed" food, hated food, defined myself by food. Food, food, food. What my Creator designed to be a gift from heaven, to be enjoyed as a blessing from Him has been skewed and allowed to have reign over my life.

Recently, I've been contemplating a new kind of obsession.

I have no doubt in my mind that writing down what one eats and planning ahead for the next day allows many to walk in freedom. But I have heard many say, "It allows me to feel a sense of control." And we seem to take that at face value and view it as a good thing. But when a girl has a defined eating disorder and she says it "Allows her to feel control", well then she's sick...?

Anyone else seeing the problem?

Because at the end of the day, obsessively planning and denying can have just as negative of an impact, can hold just as much control over your life and consume you just as much as indulging in everything you want or not allowing yourself to eat at all.

True freedom is found in Jesus Christ. I believe that with all of my heart. And HE is in control. I never am, even if I'd like to fool myself into thinking that I am. So maybe we overthink and overwork it? Maybe, like everything else in this life, it's about making the best choices for ourselves in any given situation and allowing ourselves to screw up from time to time. Being okay with screwing up... and accepting grace.

Because at the end of the day, I will never find satisfaction in any "diet" or "eating plan" or whatever you want to call it. I will never be satisfied by spending two hours or five hours or an entire day in the gym. Satisfaction and "okay-ness" with myself doesn't come from those things.

It comes from God. And God alone.

Joy through pain.

I have this problem.

Because of my surgical complications, my stomach flares up from time to time. And it's really painful. It's like gas, heartburn, and muscular pain all rolled into one. And what I've discovered is that I usually allow this pain to stop me dead in my tracks.

I dropped out of high school... because of the pain.

I shoved off my first semester of college... because of the pain.

I keep eating... because of the pain.

Notice that I'm not just talking about physical pain here. Everything in life... seems to be to avoid pain. We make comfort into a little god. Because after all, pain is painful. And who LIKES to be uncomfortable? Who likes awkward moments? Or feeling incompetent? Or facing something that was done to you?

We'd all like to pretend that life is a happy May-day dance. But it's not. I'm not trying to be negative or fatalistic. But we deal with pain every single day in multiple different forms and manifestations. I think I've discovered that the key, for me anyway, is not letting the pain define my existence.

Because when that happens, then there's no hope. And when there's no hope... what's the point? Life is about being able to look at the pain, learn from it, but still being able to look at the sunshine and say, "Gosh... that's beautiful."

Oh, by the way, last scale read: ELEVEN POUNDS LOST. WOOO!