True Freedom.

Obsessions comes in multiple forms

The person who won't let themselves get above X calories a day.

The person who has to get rid of food immediately after they eat it.

The person who needs food to feel satisified.

I've been all of these girls. I've "needed" food, hated food, defined myself by food. Food, food, food. What my Creator designed to be a gift from heaven, to be enjoyed as a blessing from Him has been skewed and allowed to have reign over my life.

Recently, I've been contemplating a new kind of obsession.

I have no doubt in my mind that writing down what one eats and planning ahead for the next day allows many to walk in freedom. But I have heard many say, "It allows me to feel a sense of control." And we seem to take that at face value and view it as a good thing. But when a girl has a defined eating disorder and she says it "Allows her to feel control", well then she's sick...?

Anyone else seeing the problem?

Because at the end of the day, obsessively planning and denying can have just as negative of an impact, can hold just as much control over your life and consume you just as much as indulging in everything you want or not allowing yourself to eat at all.

True freedom is found in Jesus Christ. I believe that with all of my heart. And HE is in control. I never am, even if I'd like to fool myself into thinking that I am. So maybe we overthink and overwork it? Maybe, like everything else in this life, it's about making the best choices for ourselves in any given situation and allowing ourselves to screw up from time to time. Being okay with screwing up... and accepting grace.

Because at the end of the day, I will never find satisfaction in any "diet" or "eating plan" or whatever you want to call it. I will never be satisfied by spending two hours or five hours or an entire day in the gym. Satisfaction and "okay-ness" with myself doesn't come from those things.

It comes from God. And God alone.

Joy through pain.

I have this problem.

Because of my surgical complications, my stomach flares up from time to time. And it's really painful. It's like gas, heartburn, and muscular pain all rolled into one. And what I've discovered is that I usually allow this pain to stop me dead in my tracks.

I dropped out of high school... because of the pain.

I shoved off my first semester of college... because of the pain.

I keep eating... because of the pain.

Notice that I'm not just talking about physical pain here. Everything in life... seems to be to avoid pain. We make comfort into a little god. Because after all, pain is painful. And who LIKES to be uncomfortable? Who likes awkward moments? Or feeling incompetent? Or facing something that was done to you?

We'd all like to pretend that life is a happy May-day dance. But it's not. I'm not trying to be negative or fatalistic. But we deal with pain every single day in multiple different forms and manifestations. I think I've discovered that the key, for me anyway, is not letting the pain define my existence.

Because when that happens, then there's no hope. And when there's no hope... what's the point? Life is about being able to look at the pain, learn from it, but still being able to look at the sunshine and say, "Gosh... that's beautiful."

Oh, by the way, last scale read: ELEVEN POUNDS LOST. WOOO!

Keep moving on.

So today, I weighed myself for the first time.

I don't know what I expected to happen when I got on that scale.

Maybe I thought the world would implode.

Lo and behold, it didn't. I had worked up to this and worked up to this and in a single moment, I stepped on the scale... and...

I lost four pounds.

Hmm... I can't really be upset about that. After all, at least it's SOMETHING. And it's what is considered "normal". It's not what I expected. I had wanted a little more.

What IS that thing that happens, anyway, when a woman steps on the scale? Ladies know what I'm talking about. If we've lost as much as we want, (and we usually don't have a specific number, just whatever's "enough"), we celebrate. How? Usually by eating! If we haven't lost what's "enough", we always have that fleeting moment of "I'm not eating for the next three days... no, two days... no, just today... no, just lunch..."

At least that's how it goes in my head.

But I kept going today. I ate what was on my plan, and tomorrow I'll be back in the gym working my butt off (literally, hopefully). Because this journey is still just starting.

And four pounds is the best start I can think of to a new reality.

Click.

Last night, my grandparents and I watched the movie Click with Adam Sandler. Sandler portrays a man named John Newman who, frustrated with his own mediocrity, is given a remote to control his life by a strange figure named Morty, (Christopher Walken). Once endowed with the remote, John begins to fast forward to the points of his life that he wishes to go to without regard as to what will happen in between. He sees the end of his life, a very tragic end, and is given the chance by Morty, (who we discover is the Angel of Death), to go back and do it right.

It was a good movie. I like to take something from films, even comedies and Adam Sandler movies. And as I was watching this movie last night, the only thing I kept thinking was, "That's nice... but that's not REAL."

Because we don't get a re-do on life.

I believe in second chances. Lord knows I've been the recipient of plenty of them. But when it comes to the big picture, when it comes to life as a whole, there are no second chances.

And life is made of the small moments.

That's the true lesson we learn in Click. Life isn't about the big moments. Those may be the ones that stick out in our memories. Weddings, deaths, promotions, births, houses, cars, jobs...

But life is about the everyday. It's about tossing a ball around the back yard with your dog. (Or your kid. Or both.) It's about jamming out in your car and looking like an idiot and NOT CARING. It's about friendships and family and the intimate and quiet and seemingly mundane. That makes life what it is.

Righteous Indignation.

I always think I know what I'm doing.

And then I figure out that I don't.

I'm the kind of person, like many people I assume, who has to fall flat on her face to learn things. Sometimes I have to fall repeatedly, injuring myself emotionally and other ways multiple times. I've never particularly liked it about myself, but stubbornness, like many things, is a double-edged sword.

Recently, I've been going through something that I never thought I would. Something I had actually vowed to myself would never happen. It's the most painful thing I've gone through in a very long time.

It's a broken heart. And it blows.

Tonight, I snuck white chocolate chips from the pantry and ate some of them. Not the entire bag like I would've done in the past, but a sizable portion. I feel guilty, but I think I'm going to take it as a learning experience and not dwell on it.

Because the chocolate hasn't made anything better.

Sure, it tasted good. It kinda got old after the first two handfuls of chips. But my heart is still broken and I still have to work through all of these emotions... chocolate or not.

So I press onward. Because I'm still in this. Life is still changing for the better. And one stumble will not cost me this race.

Perfectionism Blows.

I'm such a perfectionist.

I always have been. I'm so particular and I set impossibly high standards for myself to achieve. The worst part is that when I realize I can't achieve them, I just give up.

Why?

Because I'd rather not do it at all than not be able to do it perfectly.

Messed up? Yeah, I think so, too.

That was, perhaps, one of my biggest fears in all of this. If I couldn't do it to what I perceived to be perfection, would I just give up like always? Or would I be able to keep going?

Tonight, I had half a pint of Haagen Dazs sorbet. Not much, not the entire thing, and I knew I would. The best part of putting those spoonfuls of luscious raspberry deliciousness into my mouth?

I wasn't one bit guilty about it.

Because it didn't cause the world to crumble around me. Because I'm still on a good path. Because life goes on whether you ate the stupid Haagen Dazs or not.

Life goes on.

And just because I had half a pint of raspberry sorbet tonight doesn't mean I have to get up tomorrow morning and start living life the way I did seven days ago, bingeing constantly. Because tomorrow morning I'm still going to get up, have oatmeal with blueberries, drink my water, and take my vitamins.

And life will still be my choice.

It's All Changing

For the majority of my life, I've avoided major change like the plague.

When I'm comfortable, I like to stay comfortable. Simple as that. I don't like the new or the unknown because it's all out of my control. But looking back over the past four or five years, almost everything has changed. Nothing seems sacred. Nothing stays the same.

Most of all... I don't stay the same.

I thought through all of this that food would constantly be on my mind, that it would get monotonous, that I wasn't strong enough. And the best part of the past five days is that I keep proving myself wrong.

As much as I still enjoy food, it's not always on my mind. Eating has become systematic for me, just another thing I do. I don't make it this big event anymore where I work up to it and look forward to it all day, every day.

At the gym today, the guy who had shown me how to use the machines and which machines to use was busy with other clients and I was confused. I hate asking for help. It seems like weakness to me. I told my grandma, my workout buddy, that I didn't know what to do. So we found machines that did the same thing as the machines he wanted me to use.

And I kept going.

In a crowded gym. At dinner faced with fatty hamburger meat and buttery hamburger buns.

I kept going.

I think -perhaps- this will be a main thrill of mine now. Proving myself wrong. All the way to my BEST LIFE.